Five ways to ease your panic attack (before it’s out of control)
Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic. Anais Nin
According to Wikipedia, panic attacks are periods of intense fear or apprehension that are of sudden onset and of variable duration from minutes to hours. It is caused by adrenalin being released into the bloodstream, which causes the heart to pump extra blood. Today is International Panic Day – a day dedicated to putting your feet up, slowing down and enjoying life. In celebration, Happiness Weekly is looking at how you can avoid having a panic attack and remain calm, even in the toughest situations.
1. Avoid working yourself up
Many people come to me and say “This is about to happen” and they’re stressing out… If you’re one of these people, my best advice to you is: STOP! Stop the story going on in your mind. Take a deep breath. You don’t know what you don’t know. Accept any consequence for your actions – take responsibility when you’ve made a mistake – no one’s perfect, and usually this will defuse any panic attack that is about to get out of control. Make sure you give yourself a break – don’t bash yourself up, if someone is going to come down on you anyway, you may as well be kind to yourself – no point in two of you getting upset over the same thing – take control and work to fix the problem!
2. Slow down and think
Stop rushing through tasks and trying to get a perfect result. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result. Think about how you can improve things without stretching yourself. If your panic attack is school or work related, considering early deadlines for your work to give you enough time to review it before submitting it. If it’s a person who is putting you on edge, approaching them about the problem may assist – or if it is a situation where you are being bullied and approaching it hasn’t helped, consider removing yourself from the situation. Sometimes health and happiness are more important than financial gain and career ladders.
3. Work on your stress management
Being self-aware and knowing how to stay calm in intense situations can be crucial if you are trying to fend off a panic attack. Knowing how best to manage your stress can help. Go for walks at lunchtime, it will change your atmosphere and can help alter your perspective on a situation if you’re too close to it to make a proper judgement. Meditation, Yoga and Pilates can all assist in combating stress and helping to relax and concentrate on your breathing, or if you’re feeling energetic and want something faster paced, boxing is a great form of exercise and stress relief.
4. Talk it out
Don’t feel alone, many people suffer anxiety and panic attacks, and it’s becoming more well-known each day. Find a trusted friend, or someone you feel you can confide in confidentially at work and talk to them about your situation. Sometimes gathering ideas and suggestions from others can help bring new perspective and also inspire us to embrace a positive change. As soon as the situation changes, your panic should ease, so try not to sit with it for too long. If you are struggling to move past it, please book an appointment with your doctor and get a referral to a good psychologist. Support groups also exist, which is good if you’re feeling isolated and you’re looking for people you can relate to.
5. Avoid drugs and alcohol
Sometimes when we panic our first reaction is to kill the pain. Drugs and alcohol will only make it worse. Did you know 30% of people who suffer panic attacks also suffer from alcoholism? Instead of reaching for a quick fix, spend some time on considering healthier options that work for you and start focusing on the things you can control!
Still need help? www.beyondblue.com.au
How to control your thoughts and be more positive
The mind is everything. What you think you become. Buddha
At a time when things appear to be going wrong, or we’re particularly stressed, we tend to take things more negatively than usual. It’s easy to be irrational and blame our circumstances, but it doesn’t make us feel any better. This week Happiness Weekly looks at how you can control your thoughts in a positive way.
1. Accept it – everyone has bad thoughts every now and then
Acknowledge that everyone has bad thoughts. Everyone has been kept awake from negative thinking, or kept in a state of fear because they can’t switch off. You are not alone! Speak to someone, generally you will find someone who can relate to the way you’re feeling.
2. Thank your thought for coming and send it on its way
Psychologists say (and I have heard this in an introductory session to Landmark Forum, though I never pursued it) – if you have a negative thought, you should listen to what it has to say, thank it for saying its piece (it’s there to protect you and keep you safe) and then send it on its way. It’s like an annoying child: if you listen to it, acknowledge it, and then send it on its way, the child is more likely to leave you alone quickly. Whereas if you ignore it, it will keep annoying you until you have taken action. Our thoughts are similar.
3. Swap the negative thought for a positive one
When you have a negative thought challenge yourself to come up with a positive thought about the exact same thing. For example, someone rudely crosses your path and knocks you without acknowledging you and you think “That person doesn’t like me” – you could think “Wow, they were in a hurry! I hope they get to where ever they are going quickly!” It sounds a bit like something AA Milne would write, but if you continue to think positively about things, other positive thoughts will follow. This isn’t as easy as it sounds – practise makes perfect with this one!
4. Distract yourself until you can talk to someone
When your thoughts get overpowering, you sometimes need an immediate distraction. Go on a brisk walk, keep a list of contacts of your most supportive friends and call through until you find someone that will meet up with you or spend some time doing something you enjoy. Sometimes we need to ignore our negative thoughts while they are hurting us and come back to them later. Generally this is where you need to distract yourself until you have someone you can share your thoughts with that will act as a sounding board and offer you calm, rational advice.
5. Consider the worst scenario
What would happen if your negative thought came true? It’s generally not as scary as it may have felt before you thought it through. Try to be rational as you consider your options. For example, if you stumble when public speaking – a dinosaur is not going to eat you. Someone may laugh, you may lose your place momentarily, but ultimately you will be able to carry on with your presentation or speech. Once you have considered the worst case scenario, accept it for what it is and prepare for it as best you can.
6. Write it out
Negative thoughts generally generate more negative thoughts, then another one, then another one and it’s like a racing track in your mind. It’s easy to panic and let it overwhelm us, but there are things you can do to slow down and start thinking rationally again. Write a letter to yourself as though you’re your best friend and telling yourself about this negative thought you have just had may also help. Generally writing is like meditating; it slows us down and helps us to connect with our rational thoughts. If you feel strange writing a letter to yourself, write it to your best friend – but read it as though your best friend wrote it to you. You could even reply with suggested solutions!
7. Before listening, consider what you want
Before taking a negative thought on board, consider exactly what you want. Start thinking about what you need to do to get what you want. Is this negative thought blocking you? Then you can send it on its way. The trick is to focus more on what you do want than what you don’t want, take control and encourage yourself to maintain a positive thought process.
8. Concentrate on positive affirmations
Tell yourself you can do it, you are positive, you will be great – you are your best cheerleader. Have confidence in yourself, no one can do it for you. Be mindful of all the good things you already have in your life. Follow your positive thoughts with positive actions. Choose to hang around positive, supportive people. Read success stories and things that inspire and motivate you.
I hope you have found these tips helpful. Your turn – how do you control your thoughts in a positive way?
10 ways to make a big life change
If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Mary Engelbreit
It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory. W. Edwards Deming
My friends recently acknowledged me for being able to make really big life decisions. Each time I transform a little bit more and step up just a little bit more – and I always land on my feet. So this week, Happiness Weekly is looking at how you make those big life changes
1. Make up your mind to change
As with any decision making, start with weighing up the pros and cons of the situation. In the past, I have had cons far outweighing the pros, but still followed my heart and gone with it. I have no regrets and I’ve never looked back, so it is possible to go against the logic in front of you and still succeed. If anything, the pros and cons list just helps you to know what you want. Once you know what you want, you can go and get it. When your mind is made up, the rest should follow. The trick is not to change your mind until you’re at least three quarters into the big life change, and then you just need to make slight tweaks and adjustments.
2. Focus on what you want to change and remove all the blocks
It’s really important that you keep in mind what you want to change any why, rather than the how. Start removing anything blocking you from getting where you want to go. Keep a photo of your goal in your wallet or close by illustrating what you want to achieve. If you’re moving interstate for a big job and leaving your life behind, then keep a photo of what you want your success to bring you. If you are overweight, then keep an image of someone, with a similar build who you admire, in your wallet. Keeping your goals as visual as possible with trigger you to stay on track and self-motivated.
3. Expect the best but prepare for failure
Build yourself up to expect the best, know that you can do anything you want to – it’s very important to believe in yourself every step of the way, leave the doubts for other people. But the fact of the matter is that every now and then you will suffer setbacks – that is part of the process in being successful. Always remind yourself that it’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that’s important.
4. Take chances
Don’t be afraid to take chances along the way, and be flexible with change. One of my closest friends said to me the other day: “I’m disappointed only because things are not turning out the way my mind saw them … in reality it is what it is and nothing more”. Don’t stop when you get a setback, look for your next goal and keep going. Life’s too short to be wondering “what if” – if you’re curious, follow it and see where it leads you.
5. Review your friends
This doesn’t mean you need a fall out with all your friends, but just stop keeping in touch with the wrong ones as often. The people you need to associate with at this time are people that have been successful in whatever change you are making, or the people who support you 100% and will help you where they can. Anyone that makes negative suggestions or thinks or acts negatively will have to go. Take care of yourself and put yourself first where ever possible. If you have difficulty doing this, start treating yourself as though you were your best friend.
6. Set goals and rewards
Make this one big life change the major goal and focus on it. You can also set mini goals, timeframes and rewards when you achieve something to help you along the way. You need to reward yourself for your achievements to help stay on track. You also need the mini goals because generally major life changes don’t happen overnight. It’s a marathon not a sprint, but once you’re in a routine it will get easier.
7. Challenge yourself
Get out of your comfort zone and try new things. Do things you wouldn’t usually do. Focus on doing the things you want to do. Take yourself to an event on your own, you’ll surprise yourself with how many people you come out knowing. Try a new food – you may like it.
8. Get a makeover
Go to the hairdresser and change your hair, change your wardrobe and generally get a makeover. Change yourself to look exactly how the final you will look. Changing things on the inside is one thing, but you still need to dress where you want to go. There is no doubt a makeover pushes things to happen faster.
9. Trust your instincts and be accountable
Telling a few close friends your plans, and then proving that you can do it will also help you along your journey. You may need people that are there for you when you suffer a setback. Trust your instincts with your decisions. Ask for help if you need it and avoid doing things you don’t feel aren’t right. You may also hold yourself accountable by documenting your progress in a diary or a blog.
10. Be persistent
Don’t give up! Be confident in your decision, think of the end result, continue to take action and keep going. No one can do it for you. Stick with it even when the going gets rough, because once you achieve your goal, it will be worth it… and you’ll have some great stories to tell that you’ve collected along the way!
Remember, change is as positive as you make it! What major life change have you made? How did you make it and what was the result?
How to focus in difficult times (and get back to work!)
The true measure of success is how many times you can bounce back from failure. Stephen Richards
Sometimes we go through difficult times when we really need to concentrate on what’s ahead of us. For example, we just receive a promotion and our spouse leaves us. Or we’re trying to go for job interviews and just before we walk in, we found out someone close to us has died. Two major events and it’s very easy to let the second one affect the first in a negative way. This week, Happiness Weekly looks at how you can get back to work and focus during trying times.
Before you have a breakdown, try the following to get you through:
STOP – TAKE TIME OUT
Find a quiet place away from everyone, you may need to drive somewhere in your car and park for a while, and think everything through. This gives you a chance to think without distractions and process the events.
BREATHE
It’s really important to keep breathing when things are bringing us great stress. If you take deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth, even practise meditation, you will feel calmer. Getting oxygen to the brain will assist you thinking more clearly.
REMEMBER HOW IMPORTANT YOUR JOB IS
Ask yourself how much worse the situation would be if you also lost your job. Motivate yourself as much as possible to push through this hard time, because if you consistently fail to make your performance at work a priority, you risk finding yourself unemployed. Also watch how you treat people at work, remind yourself that your stress is not their problem.
LIMIT DISTRACTIONS
Unclutter your life as much as you can with any other complications. Stay off Facebook and away from the news while you process what’s happening in your life. Remove temptation where ever possible. Studies show that each task you complete makes you less effective at the next task, which is particularly true for things like self-control and decision making.
FOCUS ON YOUR GOALS
Make sure your goals are easily attainable during this hard time, but still drive you forward. Try to break up your essential tasks into smaller pieces. Keeping focused on what you do want will assist with keeping you going in the right direction.
REVIEW YOUR WORK SCHEDULE
If you know that you will have trouble staying focused, make sure you make a list of all the things you need to accomplish during the day and ensure that you stick to it. This will act as a guide for the day’s activities and keep your mind on the task at hand.
DO NICE THINGS FOR YOURSELF
Go for a walk, read a book or magazine, get a massage, have a bath, watch your favourite movie… Sometimes it’s important to be your own best friend. You know the whole truth of what is going on, if you can’t be there for yourself, then no one else will be.
SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE PEOPLE
Surround yourself with people that make you feel good about yourself. Spending time with vibrant, upbeat people will help you to be successful. If you’re hanging around someone particularly successful, ask them how they did it – remember: these people have also faced challenges, suffered set-backs, handled criticism and overcome difficult times. Take advantage of their experience.
WATCH YOUR DIET
At times of stress, you are better off eating healthy foods including lots of fruit and vegetables. Drink plenty of water as well. Raw and unprocessed foods help you to be calm and relaxed. Eat your salad before you eat your main course. Limit alcohol as much as possible.
GO TO YOUR HAPPY PLACE
Concentrate on things that make you happy. Funny memories, a calming holiday destination, a childhood memory. Visualisation will help you feel as though you are without danger or threat.
We hope these tips are helpful and would love to hear from you – how do you focus during difficult times?
Buy presents friends and family will love
Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don’t quite know how to put our love into words. Harlan Miller
Buying presents for other people shouldn’t be a task but it should be exciting. I’m one of those people who buy’s someone a present and can’t wait to give it to them! Each year I watch as friends and family drag their feet to the shops, without a list, in search of presents for people… this week Happiness Weekly takes the chore out of your Thanks Giving and Christmas shopping and finds the easiest way to buy the perfect presents for your loved ones.
1. Make a list of ideas for each person you need to buy for
The first step in your present shopping should be making a list of everyone you need to buy gifts for and setting a rough budget to stick to. This will also help narrow down the kind of present you can get everyone. With this list, I also tend to brainstorm a few ideas next to each name to point me in the direction of what stores or areas within stores I could look to find the perfect present for that person.
2. Consider their hobbies and interests
Everyone has a hobby or an interest. It’s human nature! Generally we use it as our outlet to express ourselves and reconnect with some time by ourselves. Your task is to find out what the person you are buying for is interested in. Sometimes this can be about asking the right questions and listening for the answer or clue to your perfect present. Get someone something unexpectedly cool, a bit different and quirky but I guarantee they’ll love it! “The gift has to be mainstream enough to be cool, yet unexpected enough to have remained unnoticed,” Jeff Wofford said.
3. Decide what they NEED
If their interest is unusual and you still aren’t sure what to get them, start having a think about what they may need. A petrol voucher, a grocery voucher, a gift certificate to a local beautician, perhaps you can’t stand driving in their car because it’s a mess… a voucher to a local car wash cafe? Think of things they will use and appreciate at the time. This is particularly good for siblings or very busy professionals that tend not to reward themselves.
4. Think outside the square
Combine the practical – the things you know they’ll use – and a hint of your creativity – with the things you know they’ll love. Everyone loves to receive a little survival box or personalised hamper from their loved ones. It’s easy, creative and shows your more thoughtful side. Buy a couple of items associated with their interest, get a photo of you with them, frame it, buy a bottle of alcohol, put it all together with some bath salts or shower gel and you have the perfect hamper for them. Even if they have a few of the items or don’t really need them, they’ll appreciate it because it’s designed especially for them.
5. Be organised!
Everyone wants something – why not take notes and pointers for things they mention throughout the year. Christmas and birthdays are inevitable and if you need to buy something for this person at some stage, this is the easiest way to do it. When it comes time to buy this person a gift, you will already have a list of ideas at the ready.
6. Take into consideration their circumstances
Take their circumstances into consideration for example, avoid buying a $50 gift certificate at a luxury day spa for someone studying at university fulltime and not working. The chances the person will use the gift certificate when it’s not on a specific product or doesn’t cover the full amount of something is not likely. Be realistic when considering the person’s circumstances. Something more practical for this person could be a book voucher, subscription to their favourite magazine or some money to spend at a big department store such as Myer or David Jones where they have plenty of selection for a reasonable price.
7. Get sentimental with older people
When my grandmother, who I was particularly close to, was really old with dementia it became impossible knowing what to get her for Christmas. The previous year I’d made her a scrapbook of the entire family but she didn’t get to look at it much, so this year I was out of ideas. I took a gamble, with nothing in particular in mind, I walked through Borders (now Bookworld) and found a food tray that you could put family photos in and personalise! What a great idea! It was perfect! Practical – but not another nightie – and personalised. Older people do require a bit more thought and care, but they will always enjoy something a bit more sentimental – pictures or even family videos. Sometimes the best, most memorable gift is something that no one else can give.
8. Search online
Still stuck for ideas? Search online – it can be as simple as typing in the person’s gender and age plus “gift ideas” into a Google search and there you have it: a list of ideas and inspiration! There are also gift generators online, so if you’re really stuck you can completely cheat using one of them, but it does take the thought and care out of it. Gifts.com includes some fantastic gift ideas from the experts! And while you’re online, spend some time searching for the gifts you had in mind to ensure they fall within your budget – if it doesn’t, adjust your budget or change the gift to something else.
9. Hit the shops
Now you’ve got the list of people you need to buy for, a list of ideas and a bit of a budget to stick to, it’s time to hit the shops and buy it! If the products you find are outside your budget or far different to what you found online, then hopefully you still have time to go home, order it online and still have it delivered before Thanks Giving or Christmas Day.
Don’t leave it until the last minute – but if you do…
Start shopping for presents as soon as possible. The closer it is to the time, the harder it is to arrange for shipping if you decide to purchase it online, find things in the stores (because they were all taken by the early-birds and the people who don’t work full-time!) and the harder it is to get motivated to actually go out there and do it! If you are shopping at the very last minute, this great Ask Men article may be suitable for you.
Great gift ideas
If the above ideas didn’t help, maybe this list will give the inspiration you need:
– Lessons in something they love: horse riding, pottery classes, cooking, dancing, a musical instrument, flying, ice skating…
– An aromatherapy massage (with a professional) – everyone loves to feel pampered
– Event/Concert tickets
– A novelty gift – something funny to make them laugh
– Something homemade: cookies, cakes, muffins, scrapbook of mementos
– Personalised coupon booklet – you could pay them back all year for being in your life!
– Journal, chocolates, gift certificates/vouchers, anything personalised, hampers/gift baskets, alcohol
– Simple but thoughtful: a poem, craft items or a performance.
December is a great time of year – I hope you have a happy and safe holiday season! Happy shopping!!
14 tricks to self-empowerment
Some men have thousands of reasons why they cannot do what they want to, when all they need is one reason why they can. Martha Graham
Empowering yourself can sometimes seem particularly difficult, especially if we have suffered a battering to our confidence in recent times. Self-empowerment is interrelated with the way you conduct yourself, the image you project to others and the way you improve yourself. This list of tips and tricks will help you empower yourself and those around you in no time – because often the hardest part of self-empowerment is knowing where to start!
Know what you want
You need to know what you want in order to receive it. Sometimes it may feel like a process of elimination – we all know what we don’t want – but that isn’t getting you much closer to what you do want. It is worth sitting down and finding out what you want (brainstorm a list) to give you a clear understanding of your direction.
Discover your barriers
Find out what is blocking you from getting what you want. Listen carefully to your self-talk – you could be blocking yourself. Does it fit into the following catagories: mixed doubts, limiting beliefs, attachments (giving up something to receive it), resources? If so, what can you do about it?
Eliminate your doubts
One thing you have complete control over is your doubts – which is part of your self-talk. Visualisation may help with this. Tap into your senses and hear, see, feel, smell, touch and taste what it is like to achieve what you are after. Focus particularly on the sounds and colours. If achieving your goal isn’t satisfying you fully, make adjustments and use this visualisation technique again to test it and help eliminate all doubts.
Banish limiting beliefs
Another thing you can control is your limiting beliefs – however it can be difficult because these beliefs may have been with you since childhood and are now considered “core beliefs”. Limiting beliefs are often there as a protective mechanism from something that caused hurt in the past. If you can identify a limiting belief, figure out whether or not it is useful and what you would rather change the belief to, and work to change it or replace its intention (e.g. to keep you safe) with something healthy, and continue to work to achieve your goal. If you struggle with limiting beliefs, Schema Therapy may particularly helpful for you – see if you can join a local workshop to learn more!
Focus on your agenda
There’s a universal agenda among humans (and animals) and that is to maximise happiness and minimise suffering but everyone has their own strategies and not all are successful. Even those than appear unhappy are getting something positive from their misery, or they would have moved on. Unhealthy habits are usually initiated because a challenge appears too great. To move towards your goal, you must be clear on what you would like to keep from the present situation. Before making a change, ensure you keep the best aspects of your current situation and discard all aspects you don’t enjoy. If your problems relate to resources only, make an effort to access existing resources and create new ones.
Getting started
Move at a pace comfortable for you, but not so comfortable that you get slack. Invest your time and energy into your goal and things will quickly change. You may need to re-evaluate your goal as you start moving towards it, your goal may even change completely, that is normal. It’s hard to know specifically what we want before starting out.
Strive for the best
When you are reaching to a big goal, you should feel some degree of discomfort, and perhaps a little unsure of yourself, as you are challenged. You are on a journey into the unknown. Be confident but not comfortable as you move towards achieving your goal. Dare to dream, and dream big, then concentrate your time on filling in the details.
Prepare to learn
Make every experience a learning experience. Be curious, particularly about the things that matter most to you. Expect to find valuable, useful knowledge in everyone and everything.
Be persistent
Don’t be discouraged over setbacks, be self-motivated and don’t give up. When you make progress, keep going! Take responsibility and avoid draining your energy by making excuses or assigning blame. Seek advice, assistance and cooperation of others and offer your own in relationships of mutual benefit. The achievements you seek to create are your responsibility, so be prepared to compete with yourself and work constantly to improve.
Be grateful
Gratitude will open your eyes, mind and spirit to the value that exists in everyone and everything. When you’re genuinely thankful, you make use of whatever it is in a meaningful, effective and positive way. A grateful attitude is also a positive attitude and being optimistic about your conditions and situation is essential as it enables you to see the best side in all the challenges you face. A positive disposition will trigger you to do better, find resolutions to problems and look for other support systems until your goals are achieved.
Focus on your strengths and strengthen your weaknesses
List all the qualities that you currently have which will lead you to your goal. Be honest. You could even brainstorm a word and write a short explanation as to how it will help you. It is equally important to realise your weaknesses and accept that you need to practice some measures to turn these into strengths.
Be a leader
Leadership means you have a lot of abilities and a high tendency to empower yourself personally, that the excess can be radiated onto other people. As you find others succeeding or following under your guidance, you will discover that your support for other people also equates to more self empowerment. You will start to appreciate your talents and potential.
Associate with successful people
Just as your talents will radiate onto others, so will theirs. Successful individuals have a knack of empowering themselves, especially when trying times are present. Socialise and be around people who believe in their own talents and capabilities.
Talk to yourself
Positive self-talk is imperative when empowering yourself. Know how to build yourself up. Make a conscious choice to build yourself up as often as possible. Make it a habit to speak encouragingly to yourself and expressing positive thoughts about your abilities. Speak to yourself as you would a good friend in need of support and encouragement. Regularly commend yourself for a job well done and love yourself unconditionally. The more you allow yourself to feel your own love and approval, the better you will feel about your life.
Quick tips to be self-empowered
– Be confident in yourself. Your confidence will naturally project a more powerful image than if you appear uncertain or anxious. Identify what is affecting your confidence and take steps to improve it
– Look after yourself – maintain a balanced diet, exercise regularly and manage your stress. If you feel good, you will be more self-confident and project a glowing energy to others
– Make a positive impression on people. People are more receptive to those who take good care of themselves, dress well, are neat and tidy and hold their posture. Focus on what you say and think before you speak
– Be constructive. Don’t be critical, gossip or complain too much. Avoid the temptation to whinge. Be positive and optimistic, provide constructive feedback and participate in finding solutions to problems rather than finding the problems
– Change yourself – not others. If you are unhappy with someone or something, change it to suit yourself. You can try to compromise but don’t expect anything to change for you
– Thrive on feedback. Empowering yourself means taking criticism constructively. Develop yourself technically, behaviourally and emotionally. Seek feedback and identify ways you can empower yourself. Criticism is always an opportunity to improve
– Focus on your goals, ambitions and desires. Don’t get tied up with your emotions, stay focussed on what’s ahead.
How to deal with liars
I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you. Friedrich Nietzsche.
One of the most frustrating experiences I’ve ever had is being lied to time and time again by the same person and constantly being surprised that they weren’t honest with me when I returned my trust to them.
You need to learn to trust yourself and your instincts towards other people, before you can fully trust other people coming into your life. Learning to tell the signs if someone is lying to you is the first area to focus to build your self-trust in judging others. The second area, is how you deal with inevitably being lied to. Sometimes it’s not what happens, but how you recover from what’s happened that matters.
How can you tell if someone is lying to you?
Trust your gut
Generally if your instincts are telling you something isn’t right about what the person is saying, it’s experience talking. Trust your instincts. You don’t need to call them a liar, but if you caution yourself to that person, you’re at least protected from them.
Body language
Look at their body language – if someone is lying to you, their physical expression will generally be limited and stiff with few arm and hand moments. They generally avoid making eye contact (but so do people with social issues, so don’t solely rely on this one!), and their hands touch their face, throat and mouth.
Watch their eyes
Looking towards the upper left side means that you are constructing an image in your mind, while looking at the upper right side means that you are recalling an image. That’s useful when people are lying because if they look to the upper left, it’s likely whatever they are trying to recall, didn’t actually take place.
Listen hard
Watch out for any inconsistencies in their story. Be confident in your version of events so you can pull them up on their inconsistencies when you notice them.
Step back
Try to associate with this person as little as possible. Don’t include them in your activities. Don’t let them bring you down. Some liars are extremely manipulative and it’s easy to be brought down by them, sometimes you can even find yourself going over and over the conversation you’ve had with them wondering if you’ve gone mad. Trust yourself, trust your judgement and cut this person out.
What to do if someone lies to you?
DON’T avoid them!
Confront the person as soon as you can about what was said. Keep to the facts and try to keep emotions out of it. Avoidance only freezes a situation at its worse and enables you more time to get upset about it. Life’s too short to give this person anymore power over you.
Be honest when you confront them
Share your concerns and state the facts about the situation from your point of view. That way you feel as though you’ve been heard and you are able to step back and avoid letting their lies affect you as much.
Try to see things from their side
Sometimes the only way to understand things when someone lies to you is to try to understand why they may have lied in the first place. Try to see all situations from the other person’s perspective. If you still can’t understand it, accept that you were deceived – it’s a really horrible feeling, so validate yourself, and move forward. There’s no point in dwelling.
THINK before you lie!
Consider the facts
What is it that you are lying about? Will you need to tell more lies in order to keep this lie going? Why do you need to lie to this person – is it because you feel they can’t handle the truth? Do they have a right to know the truth and make their own judgement? Consider: no one honestly deserves to be lied to. Really analyse the situation and the consequences of telling the truth and lying. Consider what would happen if this person then finds out that you lied to them. Once you have assessed the facts and consequences, decide if it is really necessary to lie.
Think about how your lie may affect others
Will your lie cause this person to act differently to how they would act if they knew the truth. Will it sway their judgement or decision in any way? Is this fair on this person. Is it worth breaking your trust when they may never trust you again? Have you got a relationship with this person that relies on trusting each other?
How will the lie affect you?
No one is happy with themselves after they lie to someone. Your conscience isn’t clear. Is it worth the drama? Is it worth constantly looking over your shoulder? Is it worth losing the friendship over? Generally when you look at both sides of a lie, you will see that a lie may not only hurt the other person but also hurt you – and your reputation.
If you decide to go ahead with lying to someone, be sure you’re set to suffer the full consequences of it. In case you haven’t heard it before, honesty is always the best policy!
Before you speak – you should THINK:
T – Is it true?
H – Is it helpful?
I – Is it inspiring?
N – Is it necessary?
K – Is it kind?
All about assertive communication
The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behaviour affect the rights and wellbeing of others. Sharon Anthony Bower
Never allow a person to tell you no who doesn’t have the power to say yes. Eleanor Roosevelt
Assertive communication helps us express our feelings, thoughts and wants in a way that allows us to stand up for our rights without infringing on the rights of other people. Like any social behaviour, assertiveness skills have to be learned and practiced.
Assertive communication involves the following steps:
Identify your communication style
Passive – I talk softly and rarely stand up for my rights. I usually try to avoid conflict and arguments. I don’t usually get rejected directly, but people take advantage of me because I am afraid to say no – then I get angry and resentful when my needs are not met.
Aggressive – I always get my way, even if I have to hurt or offend people to get it. People never push me around. I use my position, power, and harsh or manipulative words. I speak in a loud voice. I can be abusive and enjoy getting even with people.
Passive Aggressive – I’m sly, sarcastic and subtly insulting. I protect myself by avoiding problems and risks. I deliberately ruin other people’s plan or projects. I talk about others in negative ways. I dress however I want, regardless of the situation.
Assertive – I often get what I want without offending other people. I am clear and direct when I communicate and am able to express my thoughts, feelings and wants easily. I am honest and show my confidence without being aggressive about it.
Identify your solutions style
Usually you may have no problem being assertive, but when it comes to solving a problem tend to become passive or aggressive. Use the examples above to identify what communication style you use when solving a problem.
Know your values and beliefs
Your beliefs and values were moulded during childhood and include rules about “good” and “bad” ways to act as taught by our parents and other role models.
Learn the responsibilities that come with effective communication
* Assess your true feelings without exaggeration or minimising. Express your feelings appropriately without insulting anyone
* Reply as soon as possible without taking an unreasonable amount of time
* Thinking through your opinions and realising others can disagree
* Learn from mistakes rather than punishing yourself or others for them
* Act responsibly
* Feel appropriate anger and happiness, and share those feelings with the people involved
* Don’t impose your personal beliefs or standards on others
* Think through your responses before answering a question
* Respect your commitments and allow enough time to fulfil promises
* Talk about your needs and learn to compromise
* Express your feelings without infringing on the rights and responsibilities of others
* Avoid labelling or making unfair judgements on yourself or others.
Learn to use assertive communication
Express yourself in a way that doesn’t violate the legitimate right of others by using “I” statements, thinking through responses and using correct assertive body language. Remember, there are four parts to a message:
Feelings – by sharing your feelings it allows others to have more understanding. Sharing the way you feel will give others the opportunity to behave in a way that meets your needs. For example: “When you are condescending, I feel disrespected” or “When you hug me, I feel loved”.
Observations – sharing what your senses tell you: it should always be factual. For example: “I heard you call me an idiot” or “I saw you break the door”.
Thoughts – sharing your beliefs and theories shows others that you have attempted to make sense of the situation. For example: “I think it’s hurtful to call me an idiot” or “I think I’m ready to do this course because it will challenge me”.
Needs – It is important to express your needs with other people because they can’t read your mind. For example: “I need some time to think about this” or “I want some quiet so I can concentrate on reassessing my goals”.
Now to put the whole message together
“I feel _______(emotion)_______ when ______(situation)______, because _____(reason)_____, and I need ______(request)________.”
For example:
“I feel disappointed when you tell me I can’t do something because you haven’t given me a chance to try it and I need that chance to be disproved before I feel you can make your judgement.”
It may feel unnatural at first, but it just takes practice. The more natural it becomes, the more you will begin to see an improvement in the amount of successful resolutions in your daily situations.
Mind your (body) language
How you express yourself is just as important as what is said. If your body language is assertive, you will:
* Maintain eye contact: don’t stare, but avoid looking down or away
* Keep good posture (stand or sit up straight) and remain at a good distance from the other person – don’t stand too close
* Avoid fidgeting
*Keep your posture open and relaxed, relax your shoulders
* Naturally and briefly open your arms and use other hand gestures to emphasise your words
* Maintain a level tone of voice, and speak clearly at a volume that can easily be heard
* Concentrate on breathing normally speaking at a normal volume
* Keep facial expressions that fit the message you are trying to convey.
Diplomatic communication
Diplomacy is taking responsibility for getting your own needs met in a way that preserves the dignity of the other people involved. Like tact, diplomacy involves careful consideration of the feelings and values of another so as to create harmonious relationships with a reduced potential for offence. It is the ability to communicate hurtful information without offending through the use of consideration, compassion, kindness and reason. Characteristics of diplomatic communication include open, inoffensive communication that is clear, flexible, with specific wording, a positive approach, non-judgemental and demonstrates a relaxed manner both verbally and non-verbally.
How to act diplomatically
– Make a conscious decision to act assertively. Avoid aggressive words and behaviours
– Be decisive when saying no. Explain your reasons without being apologetic
– Approach conflicts diplomatically
– Practice talking assertively with a friend
– Respect the wants, needs and feelings of others and accept their perspective may differ from yours
– Use active listening to ensure people know you have heard them. Ask questions to clarify
– Take a problem-solving approach to conflict and see the other person as your collaborator
– Concentrate on facts
– Use direct language “I think” or “It looks like” rather than “You do this or that”
– Don’t interrupt people when they are talking. Understand what people are saying
– Resist interruptions until you have finished your thoughts. Don’t be scared to say “Just a moment, I haven’t finished…” and continue
– Be conscious of your body language: stop smiling too much, nodding too much, tilting your head or dropping your eyes in response to another person’s gaze.
How to diffuse an argument assertively
– Organise to have the conversation at another time and leave
– If you stay, remain calm, steer the conversation back to the original point, try to understand the other person’s perspective and try to find a common ground
– Accept that other issues may be motivating the person’s behaviour and don’t take it personally
– Avoid taking heat-of-the-moment criticism to heart
– Learn from mistakes and try to negotiate positive scenarios in future with a better outcome. Move the discussion to talk about how you will behave differently in future to get a desired outcome.
Benefits of assertive communication
– Improved confidence and self-esteem
– Better problem solving ability and less conflicts to manage
– Increased resilience
– Reduced stress/anxiety
– Learning the clearest, most productive and effective way to communicate honestly and openly
– The “feel good” feeling we get when we do it correctly – like teamwork!
– Improves relationships and leads to the development of mutual respect
– Assisting us to achieve our goals
– Minimising hurting and alienating people
– Protecting us from being taken advantage of by others
– Making better choices and good decisions
– Expressing ourselves (verbally and non-verbally) about positive and negative topics.
Quick Tips: Being assertive
– Be clear about your objectives: specify what you want and your needs, but be opening to listen to other people’s perspectives and criticisms
– Show respect: stay calm, be kind, maintain an even tone of voice
– Acknowledge the other person’s perspective
– Meet someone at their eye level – sit down or stand up with someone to equalise the balance of power
– Choose your words wisely – put yourself in the picture by using “I” statements, don’t get personal
– Ask questions to clarify the speaker’s intent
– Allow others to assert themselves – don’t interrupt
– Compromise where you can: meet people half way to get more win-win situations.
How to have a “Can Do” attitude
The greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances. Martha Washington
When applying for a job, we must all magically inherit a “can do” attitude. What on earth is that? Is that just enthusiasm? But what if you actually CAN’T do it? Are you just not meant to say anything and fake it and hope you don’t blow something up? Whatever it is, a positive attitude is vital for any successful journey.
So how do you get this positive “can do” attitude that gets you charged up and ready to tackle anything? Here are some simple tips that will help you build the attitude everyone wants, make you feel like there’s more hours in the day and give you the energy that everyone wants to be around:
Be confident
Success depends heavily in believe in your ability to succeed and having a strong sense of self-worth. You can develop your self-confidence by learning and growing at every opportunity and being aware of yourself and those around you.
Show enthusiasm
Be enthusiastic about life and all that it brings – including challenges! Think of it as an adventure and stay focussed on your goals to keep the motivation flowing.
Don’t compare
Don’t put yourself down – sometimes doing it your way will be just as good as doing it any other way! Try to learn from people around you to bring yourself up to a higher level, than be jealous. What is it they do that you could copy in order to attract the same success that they have?
Revisit your achievements
List your achievements and consider how you felt when you made that achievement, find a way to achieve something again and get that feeling back. Be aware of your values, strengths and skills and also how others view you. Seek feedback as often as you can, listen to it and focus on improving where you can.
Project your image
Select positive role models and learn from what they do. Project a confident image. Remember, negativity is like a boomerang, it always comes back to you.
Watch your appearance
Take care of yourself with a flattering haircut, manicure or maintain a healthy skin care regime. Take time with your clothes and shoes. Dress professionally.
Think positive
Focus on the things that are working well in your life and your strengths, rather than what is not working. Research has shown that 75-80% of daily communication is negative. Concentrate your energies on positive aspects of your life and move away from problems and fears.
Avoid self-criticism
Let go of the inner voice that criticises you when things don’t go well. Analyse the situation and learn from it, this will help you learn, grow and move ahead. Look at setbacks as opportunities to grow.
Challenge yourself
Step outside your comfort zone and stretch yourself to boost your confidence. Think creatively.
Chill out
Learn to relax and unwind after a potentially stressful day, with challenges that have you wound up. Meditation helps get into a relaxed state quickly.
Watch what you say
Language colours experience – speak positively because it reflects on you. Take responsibility and ownership where you can. When you start saying or even thinking you can’t do something, stop and ask yourself: what would it take to change that to can do? Focus on your answer and making it happen.
Develop your mindset
Develop a problem-solving mind-set. Challenge yourself when you think you can’t and prove why you actually can.
Motivate yourself
Look for positive past experiences when you successfully solved the same or a similar sort of problem and remember what worked for you. Solve problems by playing to your strengths.
Do something different
‘If you do what you’ve always done you’ll get what you’ve always got.’ There’s always more than one way to solve a problem.
Smile
A smile not only brightens your day, but it will brighten the day of those around you. It also changes your brain chemistry and makes for a brighter day.
Be professional
Use tact and diplomacy in the workplace and put any feelings of frustration, anger and disappointment aside. State facts before feelings and find ways to get jobs done even when it’s uncomfortable. The show must go on.
Set goals
Set goals that drive you towards results. Focus on what you want to happen ahead, not what you’re worried will happen. Set S-M-A-R-T-E-R (specific, measureable, attainable, realistic, timely, encouraging and rewarding) goals. Concentrate on getting win-win situations.
Reframe communication
If a conversation is going negatively, reframe it with a positive spin. Help the person seek solutions to their problems, avoid negative media and try to stay optimistic.
Fake it til you make it
Act like you are already achieving your goals, and you will rise to a higher level. Others will see you as achieving and interact with you accordingly.
Learn to let go
“Let it go and let go. Most of our problems and fears and worries and doubts come from clinging to people and objects and ideals and expectations and the need to control situations. Just let them be. You will clearly see things change just as quickly by being patient. Trust life’s flow sometimes. Don’t keep fighting it. Oh and let others shine and be right sometimes,” said news.com.au editor, Andrew Banks 2012.
Happiness Weekly 
How to avoid causing offence
How to express your opinion without offending anyone
Expressing your opinion or adhering to your values and beliefs without offending someone can be tricky. In a world where putting other people down is considered funny, communication skills are diminishing as diplomacy is being lost. Have you ever expressed your opinion to be shot down, condescended or ignored? Not everyone will think or feel the same way about things that you do, so how do you articulate your opinion without instantly receiving a negative reaction?
How to resolve conflicts without offending anyone
Conflict is not inherently bad. In fact, conflict stems from differing viewpoints and since no two people view the world exactly the same way, disagreement is quite normal. Don’t let conflict go unresolved because it can get out of control and it’s uncomfortable for all those involved. The key to managing conflict effectively is to learn the skills necessary to become a good conflict manager.
Tips for being a good conflict manager:
– Try to determine if there is a problem between you and the other person
– If there is a problem, set up a private face-to-face meeting to discuss it with the other person
– In a non-confrontational manner, ask the person if there is a problem. If the answer is no, tell them that you think there is and explain what you think it is
– As you talk, ask for feedback, do not “attack” the other person with accusations
– Keep an open mind and listen
– Respect each other’s opinions
– Avoid finger pointing and put yourself in the other person’s shoes
– Try to work out a compromise that pleases both of you.
How to respond when someone insults your convictions
An appropriate response when someone insults our values, opinions or beliefs, can make all the difference between managing a potential conflict or fanning the flames.
– Don’t react immediately: gather your thoughts before saying or doing anything
– Speak up, in a calm and rational manner. If you don’t want to let the comment pass, then ensure your response is reasonable and not a reaction
– Don’t take things personally, if the comment was offhanded and from someone you don’t know well, there’s a chance that person has no idea the remark may have offended you. Rather than assuming the statement was intended to be insulting, give the benefit of the doubt and allow for some ignorance on the part of the speaker
– Ask the questions: find out why the person said what they did. Maybe the person had a personal vendetta that made him speak out so strongly. If that is the case, accept it and move forward
– Play devil’s advocate and generalise the argument to deflect from it becoming personal: “You could see it that way, but there are also those who see is this way”
– Identify yourself with tact and generosity for the other person’s point of view – even though that person didn’t really accord you the same courtesy. “I respectfully disagree, (and explain why)…”
– If you still haven’t made your point, let the other person know that she/he is entitled to an opinion, likewise, so are you. Explain that you found their remarks to be hurtful and ask them to tone it down for the sake of courtesy
– Take the high road: maintain your cool. At the end of the day, if you are kindly and gentle in your response, he or she is the one who looks bad to others present. The only thing you need to worry about is what kind of person you are
– Maintain good manners, always appear helpful and polite. Even if they intend to insult you, others will draw their own conclusions
– If you feel overwhelmed during a confrontation, get a drink to occupy your hands
– Keep an open mind, if the other person appears to be making a logical argument, they may also have information about the issue that you were unaware of before – this could be an opportunity to learn something new!
How to offer criticism without causing offence
By altering your wording and your attitude, you can help someone grow.
– Avoid direct accusations – leave the word “you” out of it, it will make the person defensive and then they won’t listen to what you have to say
– Soften with compliments – this will lower their defences and make them feel appreciated. Think of the feedback given on a reality talent show “I really enjoyed your performance today, your dance had a lot of complex movements, and you chose the perfect song to complement your message – you put a lot of effort into it. There were just a few technical errors which also lead to pitch problems when you were singing – but overall, you were great”
– No “buts”. After you’ve shared your compliments give them time to absorb – a “but” will destroy all you’ve tried to accomplish by making your praise seem false and insincere.
– Advise with advice – help the person grow instead of shooting them down “Next time you might want to slow down your dance moves. I find it helpful when I let the back-up dancers take over so that I can concentrate on my singing – this keeps my act alive”
– Be specific – be detailed in your advice but don’t overload them. You want them to keep trying and improving, so don’t let them leave feeling defeated
– Three tactics include:
* Choosing your words carefully. In order to get your point across, will be the ultimate deciding factor of your effectiveness. Be conscious of the consequences of your words when reprimanding
* Sandwich technique. Start with a compliment, tell them where they can improve, finish with a compliment
* Think of the bigger picture. Be calm and relaxed before you think of attacking back. The person that loses their cool first, is the one that doesn’t get their message through clearly. Keep in mind others feelings when you are speaking to them, be patient with yourself and others.
How to disagree with someone diplomatically
– Reflect your understanding of the other person’s position or opinion, and then say “I think/feel/want…” which gives the message that you are listening and taking their opinion into account before stating your own.
– Let the other person know that you value him/her as a person although your opinions are different. “I understand/appreciate/respect/see how you feel that way” which says “I hear you and respect your opinion”.
– State your position or opinion “I feel/think/want” which says that you don’t agree but you value them and would like to exchange ideas comfortably and not as a contest for superiority.
Quick tips: how to communicate without offending people
– Address or correct the act or event, not the person
– Respond after fully listening and understanding the position of the other person, don’t interrupt
– Speak in a normal, respectful and loving tones
– Avoid devaluing a person’s statement or thinking
– Disagree without being disagreeable
– Always be polite and use your manners
– Treat others the way you want to be treated
– Don’t jump to conclusions or assume, repeat what they have said to verify
– Be courteous and have manners
– Maintain eye contact when conversing
– Avoid being blunt and dogmatic
– Encourage growth and change – you will attract more bees by honey than you will by vinegar
– Give grace and don’t expect perfection
– Avoid being rash with your words
– Be more interested in winning people than winning arguments
– Speak words that build people up
– Listen first to understand than to seek to be understood
– Think before you speak and react
– Avoid being judgemental, critical or condescending
– Always assume the best in people
– Be humble and gentle when correcting people.
What to do if you have offended someone
– Understand what you have done to offend the person. Be empathetic from their shoes
– Think about what you want to say to make things right
– Talk to your friend (face-to-face) about the situation, apologise to them privately, state the reason why you said what you did, explain how you feel and make suggestions on move forward (don’t forget to maintain eye contact)
– Exercise patience and respect your friend’s space if not all is forgiven
– Being ready to talk it out is key. Be sincere, honest and prepared to take responsibility.
Resolving conflicts in meetings – without offending your teammates
Conflicts in meetings can be helpful. If the person disagreeing with you is raising valid questions, it may benefit the group to address the issues they are presenting. So how do you get a meeting back on track when it’s spiralling out of control?
– Find truth in the other person’s perspective that you can build on
– Identify areas of agreement in the two positions
– Defer the subject to later in the meeting
– Document the subject and set it aside to discuss in the next meeting
– Ask to speak with the individual after the meeting or during a break
– See if someone else in the meeting has a response or recommendation
– Present your view, let things be and go on to the next topic
– Agree that the person has a valid point
– Create a compromise
– Remember you’re both on the same team!
Resolving conflict in negotiations
There are certain principles you can apply to increase your chances of a successful negotiation when conflict arises:
– Avoid defend-attack interaction
– Seek more information: ask questions
– Check understanding and summarise: ensure you are understanding everything
– Understand the other person’s perspective – communication is more than just listening – try to see it their way!
How to say “no” without offending anyone
– “This sounds interesting, but unfortunately I am swamped with other projects at the moment”. This statement shows interest which gets the person you’re communicating on side, you’re validating the importance of what they have pointed out, but you are still politely declining.
– “I’m really sorry – but the last time I ______, I had ______(a negative experience)”. This will work because no one will intentionally want to hurt you. The statement takes the focus off what you want or do not want to do and remains at the bad experience you had.
– “I’d love to _____, but _____”. This says that you like the idea, you are willing to help but you just can’t at the moment. The trick is to try to avoid going into a lengthy justification or it really will come across as an excuse.
– “This sounds great, but I’m not the best person to help you – why don’t you try asking ___?” If you honestly feel you can’t contribute to the task at hand, lacking time and resources, be proactive and helpful about it. This statement let’s the person know up front that you cannot commit to help, but you can refer them to someone who can assist you.
– “I can’t do this, but I can do ______ (lesser commitment)”. This is a fast way to get you off the hook and avoid over-extending yourself. While saying no, you are still offering help on your own terms by making an easier, less time-consuming commitment.
– “You look great, but ____ does not do you justice”. This is the most diplomatic way of expressing your opinion to say you don’t like something about someone’s appearance or taste in clothing, without hurting their feelings.
– “That sounds great, but unfortunately I’m busy for the next few weeks. How about I call you ____ (specific time range).” This gives you time to reflect and consider something before making a final decision.
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